Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
