I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
