naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
