matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
