2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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