I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
