she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize