so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
