so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
