I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
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Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
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His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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