Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
