i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
