So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
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what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
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I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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