Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
