i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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