Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
where are my eyebrows?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
