Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
