Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
