you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
