Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
