y did u give ur computer a hand job?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
