do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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