I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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