i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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