Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
im calling her cock vulture from now on
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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