so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
