rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
