Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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