this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
