It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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