3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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