I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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