Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
