We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
