i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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