Screwed.edu
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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