I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
