There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
