So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
