i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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