A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
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