Betty ford says i'm here all night
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
