he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
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I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
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And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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