There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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