Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You pole danced in your parka.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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