Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
