; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Vodka?
Forever.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
