hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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