and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You're earring is so big in my mouth
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
