the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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