Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
