I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
