We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
