i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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