There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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